I believe that to a certain extent — I won’t open up and spill of my neuroses on the table right away, even though I overthink everything.
But I now also believe that you need to still be yourself, not the person you think your date wants you to be.
But as I got older, and the men I’d date started calling me intimidating as a way to weasel out of the situation we were in, I realised that the opposite sex didn’t always see intimidation as a positive thing.
And in talking to my queer friends, I found that this phenomenon seems to mainly occur in heterosexual relationships.
(Yes, this is one of the things certain men found intimidating.) And I like these parts of myself a lot.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case for me a few years ago.
The answers I found were actually super enraging — especially on one particular Reddit post I’d stumbled across.
Some answered, “If she’s better looking than me,” while others brought up words like “smarter,” “stronger,” “funnier,” and “outspoken.” Women who made more money than their male counterparts, or had a better job or seemed more successful in general, were also penalised.
So, being a woman who used to mould and fold herself to meet society’s standards of “the girl he wants to date,” I started Googling to see exactly what men found intimidating in a woman, all in an effort to fix it in myself.Basically, it seemed to me that if a woman is better than a man she’s dating in any aspect of her life, she’s automatically cast as “too intimidating.”I was immediately pissed, because a lot of the characteristics that men evidently considered intimidating were fundamental parts of me.I’ve always been incredibly driven in my career, and I consider myself moderately successful.And most importantly, it made me realise that the person in control of my dating life was me — not the person sitting on the barstool next to me.So, to all the women who wrote me, asking me how to stop being so intimidating, I’ll say this: I’ve learned to lean into those parts of myself.